The title speaks for itself. There really is no concrete explanation of why this happened, other than what we all already know – IVF is never a sure thing.
I began testing around 7 days after our transfer, and each home test was starkly negative. For a 6 day blast transfer, I should have received a positive around that time, or before. I generally prefer testing at home instead of waiting two weeks and going in for the beta and having my hopes come crashing down all at once. This way, when I test at home I prepare myself for the negative tests of the beta test and have a longer time to sit with the fact treatment failed. And testing at home is much easier than having to hear the disappointment in a nurses voice when she tells me that she “doesn’t have good news” for me.
We will have an appointment on Tuesday morning,where we will be going over what ‘happened’ in this cycle and what our treatment plan was, and then plotting out when we will begin our next FET. Probably late September, if my estimated dates are correct, but we will see.
This cycles negative is hitting me a lot harder than the previous one. I was a lot more hopeful the first time. My side effects this time around were intense and uncomfortable. I held on to the fact that the doctors said that the environment was perfect. All I can think about is how we only have two embryos left in cryo, and if these next two attempts fail – we have to pay another $5,000 in medications. Our ‘best’ blast failed, so my brain is telling me that the next two dont stand a chance. Of course, I know this is false. But so help me, if you tell me ‘it only takes one’ I will slap you. It’s not fair that we have to endure all this. It just isn’t. And yet, we endure it just the same. We are fighting for what we want, but it is so hard when you keep having dust kicked in your face. I’ve even tried to bury myself in movies, tv and video games – but this has backfired. Unexpected pregnancy comes out of nowhere in places where you never expect, so even when you are doing your best to be positive and to put things out of your mind – you cant. It’s on Facebook, it’s on Netflix, it’s in your email because you post in an infertility forums that include the word ‘pregnancy’ so Target sends you maternity and baby clothes sales several times a day. It’s just really, really, consuming.
I wish this post was a bit more coherent, and a little more of my typical sarcastic/jokey self – but we take the good and bad, right? Today is bad. Tomorrow may be bad, but it will become bearable. It’s amazing the amount of pain that you can be comfortable living with – what becomes your “new normal”.
One more thing – The only two positive things from a negative beta? ALL of the sushi and wine. ALL OF IT.
Xoxo,
Jen